|  Author | Topic: Stempaw~Medicine Cat Apprentice (Read 155 times) |
Stempaw
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Karma: 0 |  | Stempaw~Medicine Cat Apprentice
« Thread Started on Feb 18, 2008, 1:06pm » | |
Picture; http://mainecoonkittens.co.uk/silvtorty.JPG
Name; Stempaw {Stemspot}
Gender; She-Cat
Age; 7 moons
Rank; Medicine Cat Apprentice
Appearance; Stempaw is a beautiful fluffy tortoiseshell classic tabby she-cat. She has dull gray blue eyes, and a nice fluffy tail. She has a cute pink nose. She has some patches of red fur dappled across her beautiful silver coat. Her sharp claws are hidden perfectly between her paws, but when outstretched, you may be able to find some pieces of herbs stuck to them. She walks around gracefully when she's not rushing around helping cats in need. Her paw pads are kept soft because of the grasslands of ValleyClan. Her paw pads are a pink as soft as they are to the touch. Herbs also help. She has a white muzzle, and the white flows like a river down to her chest. She has a bit of white that surrounds her blue eyes. All four paws are perfectly white. Just as her paws, her tail is tipped with this white.
Personality; Stempaw is a young, sweet, gentle she-cat. She does her best to help her Clanmates, to erase what her ancestor did. She puts 120% into everything she does. If one her Clanmates dies, she'll usually blame it on herself-but that pushes her to work even harder to help her Clanmates.
Kin and Friends;-Meowsers {Spottedwing}
Meowsers was a young silver she-cat that limped on her left shoulder. She is Stempaw's deceased grandmother. She hopes to join StarClan with Pinestar. For now, she lurks in the skies, an always-depressed look on her face, with nowhere to go. (basically, when she joins StarClan, she'll be named Spottedwing, and Stempaw will be named Stemspot in her honor)
-Arlene {Strangeheart}
Arlene was a plump silver she-cat. She is Stempaw's deceased great-grandmother. She lurks, lost in the skies...
-Waldemar
Waldemar was a skinny, but very muscular brown tom. When he was formally a Rouge, he had no name. He is Stempaw's deceased great-grandfather. He, too, lurks, lostin the skies...
History; ...and then the battle that would destroy the Clans for probably eternity broke out. Strangeheart, who would eventually be Stempaw's great-grandmother, fought beside her Clanmates with tooth and claw. She wanted to prove the her Clanmates that, even though she didn't have Clan blood, she was truly one of them...until her mate showed up. She left ThunderClan to fight without her. Her love for her mate was much stronger then anything.
Her mate was a nameless tom. This tom would one day be Stempaw's great-grandfather. But of course, Strangeheart needed to call him something. The tom told her to call him whatever she wanted. She often called him Badger, but he never considered that his real name. He just considered that love.
Being free for awhile with her mate, she didn't miss ThunderClan in anyway whatsoever. Then, one day, when they were passing some large monsters, Twolegs appeared out the monsters belly with a strange shiny enclosure. When the Twolegs tried to capture them, Strangeheart fought like she did in the battle. Her mate fought just as well. The Twolegs yowled in pain, but it was no use. Both Strangeheart and her mate were captured, and taken to a Twoleg nest.
After being caught by Twolegs, Strangeheart was renamed Arlene, and her mate was renamed Waldemar. As the Clans killed themselves, Arlene and Waldemar adjusted to their new life as kittypets. They had a single kit, named Meowsers.
At three moons, Meowsers left the house secretly to explore the world on her own. She was, of course, coming back. She was just going to spend a little time in the forest, to see what it was like for the Clans. After being in the forest for a very large amount of time, a foul smell reached her nose. She looked around, wondering where it had come from. Suddenly, she saw gleaming beady black eyes. The badger jumped out, ready to rip Meowsers to shreds. Meowsers let out a shriek, and ran, trying to remember her way home. Unfortunately, she was not fast enough. She was badly injured by the badger, leaving her limping for life, along with a torn left ear. But luckily, she found her way home. Her mother told the stories of the Clans...this led Meowsers to want to be a medicine cat...this could never happen, because Meowsers was stuck as a kittypet for life...
Stem was a young kit, a descendant of Meowsers. The tales of the four great Clans were passed down. Rumors had it that ValleyClan, a descendant Clan of the four Clans, was forming, and Stem wanted to join it. She, like Meowsers, wanted to be a medicine cat. She wanted to erase the bad mark Arlene had left when she abandoned her Clan in its time of need.
Stem had no idea where ValleyClan was located...until she had a dream. A sad looking she-cat came to her. She had the same description as Meowsers. Classic silver tabby fur with spots. She limped, and had a torn left ear. Her tail was tipped with brown. Her unkempt fur blended in with the background."Follow me," the she-cat meowed. Stem trailed behind the she-cat, and found her way to ValleyClan territory. "Remember this, my young Stem, and you can fulfill your dream..." and mine... she added quietly. "You can erase what your ancestor did, and prove you are loyal to your Clan. Remember the route I took you...ValleyClan is waiting..." she ended, and disappeared...
Stem woke up, and instantly dashed on the trail this she-cat had told her. Stem didn't dare eat, she just raced across the plains, in case she forgot her dream. And then, after what seemed like eternity...she found ValleyClan.
Stem padded over to where she saw a tom...he seemed like a leader. "Am I in ValleyClan?" she asked. The tom's eyes widened with interest. "Yes, you are."
Stem stood there in shock. Wow...that she-cat was right... "Um...I, uh...had a dream...there was this she-cat...she led me here, and...I was wondering...can I be a Medicine Cat?"
Suddenly, before the leader-like tom could answer, another tom padded up. "You say you had a dream from a cat that led you here. And you know what a Medicine Cat is?"
Stem nodded. "The cat looked like my ancestor, Meowsers. Meowsers wanted to be a Medicine Cat, and our history has been passed down. The cat led me here. She seemed pretty upset, I don't know why." she decided not to include the part about Arlene.
The tom nodded. "I am Razormist. I am the Medicine Cat of ValleyClan, and, with Sparkspirit's permission," he gave a quick glance at the leader-like tom to indicate who Sparkspirit was. "you can be my apprentice. I think you truly can be a Medicine Cat." he brought his glance back to Sparkspirit, waiting for an answer. Sparkspirit nodded.
And then, Stem had her ceremony.
Roleplayer; spottedpaw
Roleplay example; Stempaw had awoken in her new den, shared with her new mentor, Razormist. It was her first morning in ValleyClan. This den was very unfamiliar, and smelled of herbs that she had yet to learn about. Stempaw yawned, recalling her dream. It was that she-cat again. This time, some happiness had shone in her sad eyes, and she had given Stempaw praise. Stempaw got out, and let out a short stretch. Should I tell Razormist about this dream? she thought to herself. She turned, and saw Razormist sleeping. An unsure look came upon her face. Maybe later... giving one last look at her mentor, she padded outside the den, to see what was going on in her new Clan.
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Rachael
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Karma: 0 | | Re: Stempaw~Medicine Cat Apprentice
« Reply #1 on Feb 24, 2008, 12:30am » | |
Quote:| Appearance; Stempaw is a beautiful fluffy tortoiseshell classic tabby she-cat. She looks much like Meowsers. She has dull gray blue eyes, and a nice fluffy tail. Unlike Meowsers, she doesn't have her tail tipped brown. She has a cute pink nose. She has some patches of red fur, which Meowsers never had. |
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Okay, how can a cat be a tabby and tortie at once, first. Also, I really want the entire body described here. Don't compare to Meowsers. Tell me who Stempaw is, not who she is in relation to others. Also, your word choice is lacking a little. Some better adjectives, and the sentences are a little choppy. Don't be afraid to break out the commas and semicolons.
Quote:
Personality; Stempaw is a young sweet gentle she-cat. She does her best to help her Clanmates; to erase what her ancestor did. She puts 120% into everything she does. If one her Clanmates dies, she'll usually blame it on herself. But that pushes her to work even harder to help her Clanmates. |
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Young [comma] sweet [comma] gentle she-cat. The semicolon should be a comma. And the last two sentences would probably flow better as one.
Spotted, I'm noticing something. Your sentences are fine, the ideas are acceptable, but it's too choppy, and you don't elaborate. I want to understand more. Please, let me in your head. I promise I'll leave it better than I found it. Scout's honor.
Quote:
Kin and Friends;-Meowsers {Spottedwing}
-Arlene {Strangeheart}
-Waldemar |
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Tell me who these cats are in relation to Stempaw, please. If I stopped reading right here, then I would have no idea about Stempaw's relationships, just a bunch of meaningless names.
Quote:| History; ...and then the battle that would destroy the Clans for probably eternity broke out. Strangeheart fought beside her Clanmates with tooth and claw. She wanted to prove the her Clanmates that, even though she didn't have Clan blood, she was truly one of them...until her mate showed up. She left ThunderClan to fight without her. Her love for her mate was much stronger then anything. |
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Okay, you know what a cliffhanger is? Well, you just dropped me off that cliff. I don't know anything about this cat's kithood. From this graf, I don't know whether this Strangeheart is Stempaw, before a name change, or if it's this Meowsers that got tossed around up in appearance. You can't just tell me nothing and throw me into the middle of a battle. This is a novel, and I'm your reader. The reader must always be informed. Tell me who this cat is, where she came from, and who this mate is...and try not to put it so bluntly, please.
(Spotted, I sound very demanding, and I know it. But if you want this spot, you have to show me that you can handle it.)
Quote:| After being caught by Twolegs, Strangeheart was renamed Arlene, and her mate was renamed Waldemar. As the Clans killed themselves, Arlene and Waldemar adjusted to their new life as Kittypets. They had a single kit, named Meowsers. At three moons, Meowsers was badly injured by a badger, leaving her limping for life, along with a torn left ear. Her mother told the stories of theClans...this led Meowsers to want to be a Medicine Cat. But this could never happen...Meowsers was stuck into Kittypet life... |
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Okay, Spotted, this is where you really lose me. I was hoping there was going to be a nice fluffy mattress underneath the cliff, and there isn't. First sentence: you don't tell me how the twolegs catch this Strangeheart. Second: I still don't know who this mate is, and I really doubt that any cat would care what Twolegs name them, and they wouldn't understand, anyway. Third sentence: kittypets does not need to be capitalized. Fourth sentence: ...Where the heck did Meowsers come from? Fifth sentence: Now, wait a minute. Where would a badger be doing in Twolegplace? And even if Meowsers could go into the forest, she wouldn't go alone, and she wouldn't go far. If you've got an explanation, put it here. Dear StarClan, Spotted, don't hide things from the readers! Sixth sentence: the Clans, and medicine cat. Seventh sentence: "...this could never happen, because Meowsers was stuck as a kittypet for life." I think that sounds a bit better, and flows better.
Quote:| Stem was a young kit, a descendant of Meowsers. The tales of the four great Clans were pasted down...and rumors had it that ValleyClan, a descendant Clan of the four Clans, was forming...Stem wanted to join it. She, like Meowsers, wanted to be a Medicine Cat. She wanted to erase the bad mark her ancestor, Arlene, had left when she abandoned her Clan in it's time of need. |
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Passed, not pasted. The first three sentences would be better off as separate sentences, or at least [sentence 1], and [sentence 2]. All of these ellipses make me feel like I'm a ghost, drifting around, bored. Medicine cat is not capitalized. Take out 'her ancestor', we know who Arlene is. Its, not it's.
Quote:| Stem had no idea where ValleyClan was...until she had a dream. A sad looking she-cat came to her. She had the same description as Meowsers. "Follow me," she she-cat meowed. Stem followed the she-cat, and found her way to ValleyClan. "Remember this, my young Stem, and you can fulfill your dream..." and mine... she added quietly. "You can erase what your ancestor did, and prove you are loyal to your Clan. Remember the route I took you...ValleyClan is waiting..." |
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Okay, the first sentence is a mechanical error. ValleyClan is a group, not a location, so either ValleyClan was located or ValleyClan's territory was, something along those lines. Second and third sentences: sad-looking is not that descriptive. What did she look like? Was she well cared for and pampered, or ragged and wild? The reader doesn't even know what Meowsers looks like because -taps head- it's all buried in your noggin and you won't let anyone in! Fourth and fifth sentences: ValleyClan's territory, remember the mechanics? Try using a different adjective in place of the second 'followed', like obliged, or even the phrase "did as she was told". Sixth and seventh: the 'and mine' part is confusing. Is it a thought, or what? And, erased seems to also be what Stem herself had thought. Is this on purpose, or were you just at a loss for a better word? Perhaps reverse could work as a replacement.
Quote:| Stem woke up, and instantly dashed on the trail this she-cat had told her. Stem didn't dare eat, she just raced across the plains, in case she forgot her dream. And then, after what seemed like eternity...she found ValleyClan. |
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Well, Stem found ValleyClan. She just went there. And so...what? You disappointed me, Spotted. No grand finale? D= Come on. I can tell you're an experienced writer. Let it all out!
Quote:Roleplayer; spottedpaw
Roleplay example; Stem padded over to where she saw a tom...he seemed like a leader. "Am I in ValleyClan?" she asked. The tom's eyes widened with interest. "Yes, you are."
Stem stood there in shock. Wow...that she-cat was right... "Um...I, uh...had a dream...there was this she-cat...she led me here, and...I was wondering...can I be a Medicine Cat?"
Suddenly, before the leader-like tom could answer, another tom padded up. "You say you had a dream from a cat that led you here. And you know what a Medicine Cat is?"
Stem nodded. "The cat looked like my ancestor, Meowsers. Meowsers wanted to be a Medicine Cat, and our history has been passed down. The cat led me here. She seemed pretty upset, I don't know why." she decided not to include the part about Arlene.
The tom nodded. "I am Razormist. I am the Medicine Cat of ValleyClan, and, with Sparkspirit's permission," he gave a quick glance at the leader-like tom to indicate who Sparkspirit was. "you can be my apprentice. I think you truly can be a Medicine Cat." he brought his glance back to Sparkspirit, waiting for an answer. Sparkspirit nodded.
And then, Stem had her ceremony. |
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Okay, Spotted, I actually can't critique your example, because it's just that: an example. However, this passage belongs in history with the rest of the story, because it is a story. It's not a response, because these other characters are not under your control. You couldn't actually see this in a roleplay, because that would be godmodeling. This is a story, part of her past, and so it isn't a roleplay example. It would be, if you did this:
[yada yada yada, this is the original post, all the stuff that happened when Stem joined the Clan...]
***
Stempaw stretched, and rose from her curled position, muscles uncramping as her back arched. She yawned...
-insert more roleplay here-
(See? It's just a flashback.)
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Stempaw
Kit
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Joined: Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: ValleyClan, no der <3
Karma: 0 | | Re: Stempaw~Medicine Cat Apprentice
« Reply #2 on Feb 28, 2008, 4:04pm » | |
Quote:| Okay, how can a cat be a tabby and tortie at once, first. Also, I really want the entire body described here. Don't compare to Meowsers. Tell me who Stempaw is, not who she is in relation to others. Also, your word choice is lacking a little. Some better adjectives, and the sentences are a little choppy. Don't be afraid to break out the commas and semicolons. |
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It's possible:
http://mainecoonkittens.co.uk/silvtorty.JPG
Anyways, I edited it (the example, not the pic). Better?
Quote:Young [comma] sweet [comma] gentle she-cat. The semicolon should be a comma. And the last two sentences would probably flow better as one.
Spotted, I'm noticing something. Your sentences are fine, the ideas are acceptable, but it's too choppy, and you don't elaborate. I want to understand more. Please, let me in your head. I promise I'll leave it better than I found it. Scout's honor. |
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Sorry about that, I was working on this at night so I didn't pay much attention. Fixed.
I try to be detailed, but I suck at details :l Though, I did start RPing over a year ago, and I have to say, I HAVE become much more detailed xD
Quote:| Tell me who these cats are in relation to Stempaw, please. If I stopped reading right here, then I would have no idea about Stempaw's relationships, just a bunch of meaningless names. |
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Done.
Quote:
Okay, you know what a cliffhanger is? Well, you just dropped me off that cliff. I don't know anything about this cat's kithood. From this graf, I don't know whether this Strangeheart is Stempaw, before a name change, or if it's this Meowsers that got tossed around up in appearance. You can't just tell me nothing and throw me into the middle of a battle. This is a novel, and I'm your reader. The reader must always be informed. Tell me who this cat is, where she came from, and who this mate is...and try not to put it so bluntly, please.
(Spotted, I sound very demanding, and I know it. But if you want this spot, you have to show me that you can handle it.) |
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Fixed.
Quote:| Okay, Spotted, this is where you really lose me. I was hoping there was going to be a nice fluffy mattress underneath the cliff, and there isn't. First sentence: you don't tell me how the twolegs catch this Strangeheart. Second: I still don't know who this mate is, and I really doubt that any cat would care what Twolegs name them, and they wouldn't understand, anyway. Third sentence: kittypets does not need to be capitalized. Fourth sentence: ...Where the heck did Meowsers come from? Fifth sentence: Now, wait a minute. Where would a badger be doing in Twolegplace? And even if Meowsers could go into the forest, she wouldn't go alone, and she wouldn't go far. If you've got an explanation, put it here. Dear StarClan, Spotted, don't hide things from the readers! Sixth sentence: the Clans, and medicine cat. Seventh sentence: "...this could never happen, because Meowsers was stuck as a kittypet for life." I think that sounds a bit better, and flows better. |
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Okay, now you know how Arlene and Wally were caught :3 I explained the mate in a few parts now, and kittypets do kinda' care about their name...I mean, Firepaw was Rusty before, no? Fixed kittypets. And Meowsers-she was a little gift from above xD Wally and Arlene's daughter, no der  And explained about Meowsers and the badger. Yes, she did go alone xD Fixed again.
Quote:Passed, not pasted. The first three sentences would be better off as separate sentences, or at least [sentence 1], and [sentence 2]. All of these ellipses make me feel like I'm a ghost, drifting around, bored. Medicine cat is not capitalized. Take out 'her ancestor', we know who Arlene is. Its, not it's.
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Oi, another mistake from being tired >.< Kay kay, is that better?
Quote:| Okay, the first sentence is a mechanical error. ValleyClan is a group, not a location, so either ValleyClan was located or ValleyClan's territory was, something along those lines. Second and third sentences: sad-looking is not that descriptive. What did she look like? Was she well cared for and pampered, or ragged and wild? The reader doesn't even know what Meowsers looks like because -taps head- it's all buried in your noggin and you won't let anyone in! Fourth and fifth sentences: ValleyClan's territory, remember the mechanics? Try using a different adjective in place of the second 'followed', like obliged, or even the phrase "did as she was told". Sixth and seventh: the 'and mine' part is confusing. Is it a thought, or what? And, erased seems to also be what Stem herself had thought. Is this on purpose, or were you just at a loss for a better word? Perhaps reverse could work as a replacement. |
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Yes, the "and mine" part is a thought. That's why I put it in Italics, like Erin Hunter does. It's better that way anyway, because there's this one author who doesn't use Italics, and she doesn't uses the " ' ' " things, so it's really confusing xD
Quote:| Well, Stem found ValleyClan. She just went there. And so...what? You disappointed me, Spotted. No grand finale? D= Come on. I can tell you're an experienced writer. Let it all out! |
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Put the Role-Play in the History instead. And I've been writing stories for a long time xD I ctually got one published when I was nine, but it was short and majorly suckish :l You seem like you want to be an author, if you want, I can tell you how to get one of your stories published for free (if you live in the US and you're under 18).
Quote:Okay, Spotted, I actually can't critique your example, because it's just that: an example. However, this passage belongs in history with the rest of the story, because it is a story. It's not a response, because these other characters are not under your control. You couldn't actually see this in a roleplay, because that would be godmodeling. This is a story, part of her past, and so it isn't a roleplay example. It would be, if you did this:
[yada yada yada, this is the original post, all the stuff that happened when Stem joined the Clan...]
***
Stempaw stretched, and rose from her curled position, muscles uncramping as her back arched. She yawned...
-insert more roleplay here-
(See? It's just a flashback.) |
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Moved, and replaced with a new Roleplay.
So, is it any better, or does it need more repair? *brings out tools*
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